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Miserable Holiday or Depression?

By tr4ibl4 on January 4, 2012

“Honestly, has your holiday been the carefree, relaxing time of refreshment and fun that you wanted it to be?”


I am guessing that for many of you your holiday could have been tainted with tension, frustration, possibly some harsh words and a sense of feeling just miserable.   These emotions may have taken you by surprise and left you wondering what on earth is going on with yourself and your partner or family members.


“Don’t spoil the rest of your holiday”.  


There could be a reasonable explanation for this and if you understand that depression could be the cause of you feeling miserable it can make a huge difference to your attitude and your emotions.


“How do you know if you are experiencing depression or if your partner is experiencing depression?”

 

Here is something for you to think about!


Did you know that if you spend enough time in the company of a person who is genuinely depressed that you can also unconsciously succumb to depression yourself?


“Important question to ask”

So  the really important question to ask yourself is:  are you depressed or is it your partner who is depressed and their depression impacting negatively on you?


An easy way to determine whether you or someone you love is experiencing depression:

 

Have a look at this symptom check list provided by Beyond Blue and see how many you can put a tick beside, either for yourself or your partner:


For more than TWO WEEKS have you or your partner:

1. Felt sad, down or miserable most of the time?
2. Lost interest or pleasure in most of your usual activities?

If you answered “YES” to either of these questions, or could answer “yes” on behalf of your partner, please complete the symptom checklist below

Behaviours

1.

 Stopped going out

2.

 Not getting things done at work

3.

 Withdrawn from close family and friends

4.

 Relying on alcohol and sedatives

5.

 Stopped doing things you enjoy

6.

 Unable to concentrate

 

Thoughts

7.

 “I’m a failure”

8.

 “It’s my fault”

9.

 “Nothing good ever happens to me”

10.

 “I’m worthless”

11.

 “Life is not worth living”

Feelings

12.

 Overwhelmed

13.

 Unhappy, depressed

14.

 Irritable

15.

 Frustrated

16.

 No confidence

17.

 Guilty

18.

 Indecisive

19.

 Disappointed

20.

 Miserable

21.

 Sad

Physical

22.

 Tired all the time

23.

 Sick and run down

24.

 Headaches and muscle pains

25.

 Churning gut

26.

 Can’t sleep

27.

 Poor appetite/weight loss



How did you or your partner score?

 

“If you have identified through this checklist that it appears either you or your partner are experiencing depression this will explain why your holiday has been miserable!”


For those of you who now recognise that depression is impacting on your life and relationship, there is some vital information I need to share with you.


Please do not remain with this sense of misery you have been experiencing.   It is time for you to take some action.


Communication is a key

It is vitally important that you communicate with your partner what you have been experiencing.   Putting up with it will not make it go away or improve the situation.   Whether you have identified it is yourself who has depression or whether you feel your partner is experiencing depression you need to talk about this together and work out a way forward.


I know the thought of communicating with your partner about this could make you feel quite nervous and you are probably wondering what their response will be when you do raise the subject.


Here’s some of the thoughts that are probably running through your mind …


  • What will I do if my partner says I am over-reacting to the situation?
  • What if my partner gets angry when I suggest they may be experiencing depression?
  • What if my partner denies there is any tension or emotional strain within the relationship?
  • What if my partner blames me for the tension …

and so the list of negative thoughts rolls on.  How do I know what you are possibly thinking?  


I support a partner who suffers with bi-polar depression and I am well acquainted with the mood changes and therefore the range of emotional responses I can expect to my communication about this sensitive issue of depression.


“What can you do to handle these possible scenarios so that you get a positive outcome?”

 

“Start your communication from the heart!”   Yes, it is as simple as that.  Communication from the heart is what is called “healthy communication” and will create healthy results for you.

 

Proven keys for healthy communication:

  • do no seek to place blame
  • communicate through your values e.g. respect, commitment, love etc
  • keep focussed on positive outcomes for all concerned.  Take the time to ask yourself – “what do I really want for this person/relationship?”
  • remember the principle of Work on Me First, Improve my own approach.

 

These are just a few examples of healthy dialogue.  There are more which I will share with you at another time. 

 

Make the right choice!

Choose to raise this sensitive issue with your partner by using healthy communication and you will be on your way to beginning to resolve the tension and misery you have been experiencing.


There are more positive steps you can take!

In my next blog I will be discussing other important action steps you will need to take to assist both yourself and your partner manage depression effectively.


For the moment work on the first step of open communication and keep your eyes out for my next blog which will issue soon.


If you would like more insight into other positive action steps you can take to manage depression effectively within your relationship please contact me.   We can have a chat about how relationship coaching can create for you a place of support and build into your life the capacity to effectively manage your personal situation.  You can contact me on
07 3824 2009 or by email to christine@thetrailblazingwoman.com.au


 

Christine McRae

The Trail Blazing Woman

christine@thetrailblazingwoman.com.au

www.trailblazingwoman.com.au

©3 January 2012, TheTrail Blazing Woman 

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Are you struggling with the Emotional Fallout of Depression in your Relationship?

By tr4ibl4 on December 11, 2011

“Are you struggling with the Emotional Fallout of Depression in your Relationship?”

 

No matter how emotionally resilient you are and no matter how hard you work on keeping a positive attitude, the reality for you is that there will be times of emotional turmoil and challenge that you will need to work through.


 “Wouldn’t it be a relief for you if you could find some simple strategies to manage these emotional challenges”?


Indulge yourself for a few minutes and take the time to read through this blog to discover the keys to effectively managing the emotional fallout of depression.


Depression in a relationship can create emotional fallout in a number of areas of your life: 


1.       You as the carer:

There will be times when you notice huge draw downs on your own emotional reserves as you seek to be understanding and supportive and adjust yourself to the mood swings your partner will experience.


I am not going to sugar-coat this for you.  To give you the support and strategies you will need to keep yourself emotionally strong and resilient I need to share honestly with you.

From my own personal experience of supporting a partner with depression I feel confident in saying that throughout your journey you will experience some of or all of the following:

  • Anxiety as your companion
  • Frustration knocking on your door
  • Insecurity about your future
  • Shame or embarrassment about your partner’s mental/emotional unwellness


2.       Your Relationship

As you experience the very natural and understandable emotions mentioned above, stress and tension will begin to appear in your relationship.   This is normal.   It is how you respond to this that will make all the difference to the impact depression has on your relationship.

 

3.       Your family

Depression can not hide itself from your family.   At some point in time family members will become aware that “something is not quite right”.  How do you share with your family about your partner’s depression?

 I am going to answer that for you!   Keep reading ….

 

4.       Career:  Your career and your partner’s career can be significantly impacted on due to their depression.   I am going to cover this area specifically in my next blog.   So keep an eye out for it ..

“Here is the Good News”! 

 

1.       Taking Care of You

 Managing your anxiety 

  • Remember that every woman supporting a partner with depression will experience this emotion at some time.   This is a natural emotion to be experiencing. 
  • Acceptance of your situation is the most important key for you.   Accept that your partner has an illness the same way you would accept that your partner has diabetes, high blood pressure etc.  You have heard me say this before and I will say it again – depression is an illness and it can be effectively treated with input from the appropriate professional health care providers.

Accepting the situation rather than fighting it or trying to ignore it, will automatically create within you an openness to finding solutions and a commitment to take action that will improve your life and your partner’s life.

 It is also an important aspect of you regaining your emotional strength.  Fighting, ignoring or running away from the situation is very emotionally draining and my goal for you is that you increase in emotional resilience and strength.


 Reach Our for Help

Please do not try to manage your partner’s depression without support around you.  I know and have experienced that having someone walk this journey with you makes a world of difference to your ability to keep things in perspective and rise above your situation.


 Why ask for help?

Managing living with a partner who is suffering from depression is no easy task and requires specialised relationship and communication skills.  It is because of these extraordinary qualities that you will need for this journey that I encourage you to not go it alone and to reach out for the appropriate support and understanding you need.  Remember that a problem shared is definitely a problem halved!                                      


 2.       Effectively Managing Your Relationship

Phew!   A relationship where one partner has depression is really hard work isn’t it?  I understand this because I live with depression in my relationship on a daily basis.


 “How to make this easier for you”

  • Ensure your partner receives the appropriate professional care they need through their GP, psychologist or psychiatrist.   This will lift a big weight off your shoulders. 
  • If your partner is resistant to receiving professional care there are very specific strategies I can give you to help you with this.   If you are interested in these strategies please send me an email to christine@trailblazingwoman.com.au
  •  Set boundaries in relation to how you will allow your partner to treat you or communicate with you when they are in a depressive cycle.  When you set boundaries you are teaching your partner how to treat you.   By doing this you are creating a safety net for them while they are managing their depressed emotions.  This will not only benefit you.  It will also benefit your family and assist your partner on their road to recovery.
  • Remember your partner’s “stuff” is their stuff.   Not yours.   Resolve to keep yourself free from your partner’s stuff.  This may sound a little harsh to some of you, however it is the reality of your situation and when you embrace this concept your emotional tank will begin to fill up again.
  • Resist the instinct to rescue your partner and be their counsellor.  This is not your role.   This is the role of the mental health care professional who is working with your partner.
  • Make the time to do those things that refresh you, make you feel good, relax you and bring you encouragement. 


 3.       Looking after your family

Depression in itself does not have the power to dictate to you how you will live your life and raise your family.  Rather, you have the power within you to create the environment you desire in your home through your mindset and the emotional choices you make.  There are answers, strategies and tools you can use to keep yourself and your family in balance while your partner recovers their wellbeing. This is why I strongly recommend that you do not go through this journey alone.  You will need all the help you can get.

 

Neutralisers for depression:  Choose to keep life as normal as possible and keep family and friends close


Be prepared to have an open conversation with your family about your partner’s depression.  Rather than hiding it, bring it gently out into the open.   This can be a strong, healing process.  Of course, you would only do this with your partner’s permission and through your value of respect for your partner’s dignity.


Keep the routine of life and family as normal as possible.  This is one of the greatest gifts you can give your partner and is a therapy in itself.  Take the lead and get on with the normal things of life, responding normally, planning normally and communicating normally within the family unit.  This “normality” can neutralise many of the depressed emotions that can touch you and your family while your partner is recovering.


Whilst family and friends might not fully understand what is happening within your life and family at this time, if you are used to having them close then keep them close.  This can also be a great neutraliser for your home life.  Their love, laughter and light heartedness will bring you renewed energy.


As the festive season draws closer and more time is spent with family, I trust the strategies I have shared with you give you the wisdom, understanding and skilfulness you need to keep yourself emotionally strong, keep your relationship in harmony and keep the family unit in balance.


If you would like more insight into how to take the struggle out of managing the emotional fallout from depression, why don’t you contact me and have a chat about how personal coaching could restore your emotional energy, create for you a place of support and build into your life the capacity to effectively manage your personal situation.  You can contact me on 07 3824 2009 or by email to christine@thetrailblazingwoman.com.au

 

Christine McRae

The Trail Blazing Woman

christine@thetrailblazingwoman.com.au

www.trailblazingwoman.com.au

©November 2011, TheTrail Blazing Woman 

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Dealing with your Partner’s Anger

By tr4ibl4 on October 15, 2011

 

Anger in Relationships

I wonder how much energy you are using up in dealing with your partner’s anger.  Heaps?!

 

My personal experience with this relationship issue tells me that you are using up a huge amount of energy.  Also my experience as a relationship coach has shown me that anger in a relationship is a very common challenge and as I work with my clients it is very apparent the amount of energy that is lost in dealing with this ongoing issue.


I have some strategies to share with you that will give you this energy back.  All of this energy you have been using up to deal with a negative emotion can now be released back into your life so you can live the life you really want to.  


How good does that feel! 


Imagine more energy

 

Spend a few moments imagining how you will feel when you know how to deal with your partner’s anger without draining your emotional reserves.  I imagine you are already taking a few deep breaths and thinking what a huge difference this would make in your life.


Before we look at the strategies it is important that we understand the root cause of the anger.


Why does your partner flare up so easily with anger?

 

If you partner is having regular outbursts of anger you really need to put some time into dealing with this.  Regular outbursts of anger are a warning sign that something is going on in your partner’s life that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.  If anger is not dealt with appropriately it carries with it some unpleasant consequences.


Anger is usually a sign of deep seated frustration and I am sure you have probably already worked this out.   However, how do you find out what is the cause of the frustration so you can deal with it?


 

Two major causes of anger are stress and depression.


1. Anger caused by stress could be coming from a number of obvious sources:

  • Your partner’s work responsibilities and the unrealistic expectations placed on them
  • Unemployment
  • Financial concerns
  • Family responsibilities that appear overwhelming
  • Failure of a plan or project

and there would be many more that will come to your mind as you start to think about your personal situation.


If you cannot find the cause of your partner’s angry outbursts related to some of the causes listed above, then you may need to look a little deeper.  


2. The hidden sleeper behind anger is depression

 

Depression is the hidden sleeper behind anger.   Experiencing depression brings with it high levels of frustration because it is such a debilitating and often confusing illness.  

Out of this frustration comes the angry outbursts and this is when the huge emotional energy drain starts to set in for you.


How do you know if your partner is depressed?


In the last newsletter we had a look at this.   Let’s look again at the typical indicators of depression:


  • Irritability
  • sleep disturbance
  • withdrawing from social activities
  • over-working
  • excessive drinking
  • controlling behaviours
  • violence or abuse – verbal or physical
  • inappropriately getting angry
  • indulging in risky behaviour such as reckless driving
  • unhealthy sexual relations


All of these symptoms can be warning signs that your partner is in a cycle of depression.  


Now that you have identified the possible cause of your partner’s angry outbursts it is time to look at strategies to assist you deal with this.


Let’s get your energy back!

 

Here are some strategies that should really help you:


1. Don’t allow yourself to get into an argument when your partner is having an angry outburst.   You cannot deal with the anger while it is raging.  


2. Set boundaries in place:

 

  • Put your hand up to say stop.   This use of body language is very effective.   Just like a policeman stopping the traffic.   Then you can literally say…
  • “Stop, I am not prepared to communicate with you while you are angry and I am going to leave the room until you feel more settled”
  • Then quietly leave the room. 
  • Ensure when you do this that you are doing this through your values e.g. respect, compassion, understanding

 This is called boundary setting and gives your partner the signal that you are not prepared to be treated in this way.



3. Find the right time to have an open conversation with your partner about the impact their anger is having on you

 

4. Offer your support and understanding


5. Encourage them to seek professional help, particularly if depression is the root cause 

 

Anger in a relationship can be very destructive. 



If you are struggling with this and your energy is continually being drained out from the anger, then it is time for you to connect with a coach who specialises in this area.


Coaching women with this particular relationship challenge and women supporting partner’s with depression is something I am totally committed to and passionate about.


Why don’t you contact me and have a chat about how personal coaching could restore harmony and balance to your relationship and prevent it from crumbling.   You can contact me on 07 3824 2009 or by email to christine@thetrailblazingwoman.com.au.


Christine McRae ,

The Trailblazing Woman

www.trailblazingwoman.com.au

©October 2011, TheTrail Blazing Woman


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Sick and tired of struggling with relationship depression?

By tr4ibl4 on June 19, 2011


How would it make you feel if I could share with you some strategies that would take the struggle out of your relationship and point you in the right direction?


My guess is you would feel a tremendous sense of relief!   


Why are so many people struggling in relationships?


The number 1 reasons these days for stress and tension in relationships is depression.


You may not like this thought however it is the reality.  


In any week, one-tenth of the adult population is suffering from clinical depression and one in five people will suffer from it at some point in their lifetime (Davies, 1997)


The World Health Organisation estimates that by 2020 depression will be the second most costly and debilitating disease in the world.


Could this be the cause of the struggle you are experiencing in your relationship?


Let’s take a moment to talk about depression as it can affect men much differently than women.   Depression is not just a “women’s disease!


Men tend to have different coping (or not coping) abilities than women.   Most experts are not sure why there is this difference although they speculate the difference could be in hormones and upbringing.


So how will you know if your partner is experiencing depression as opposed to just “men behaving badly” or feeling stressed out? 


Symptoms of Depression – What to look out for: 


  • Irritability
  • sleep disturbance
  • withdrawing from social activities
  • over-working
  • excessive drinking
  • controlling behaviours
  • violence or abuse – verbal or physical
  • inappropriately getting angry
  • indulging in risky behaviour such as reckless driving
  • unhealthy sexual relations 

All of these symptoms can be warning signs that your partner is in a cycle of depression.   

If you take a look at the above symptoms your partner could be experiencing is it any wonder that there is tension and confusion in relationships? 


What do you do if you recognise these symptoms of depression in your partner? 


A myriad of factors could be contributing to your partner’s depression.  Your responsibility is not to try to work out the contributing factors.   If anything, your responsibility could be to gain an understanding of this mental health issue and how you can best help your partner.

In our culture, men are discouraged from expressing emotion. The stoic man is a real man. The man who is in ‘control’ of all aspects of his being is a real man. Successful men should be able to ‘snap out of it’ and carry on with life.   Have you heard these clichés before? 

Unfortunately, these views don’t fit well with the realities of depression so the best way for you to support your partner is to ensure your communication and behaviour do not embrace any of the above attitudes.   This is not easy, I know.   However I am about to give you some strategies that will make a world of difference to how you manage this situation.


Here are some strategies for you to consider if you think your partner may be experiencing depression.  

  • be attuned to your partner’s behaviour and communication
  • if all signs are pointing to depression then creating an environment of understanding and openness of communication will be one of the greatest gifts you can give your partner
  • recognise that for your partner to acknowledge they could be experiencing a mental health issue is a massive step for them
  • you will need the “wisdom of Solomon” and the excellence of your communication skills to assist your partner open up to discuss the impact their behaviour is having on your and the family
  • don’t try to sort this out without support from others.   Firstly I would recommend you get support for yourself – talk to trusted family members or friends about your concerns.   In particular talk to your GP who will be a great source of guidance for you in relation to the steps you can take to assist your partner
  • do not try to “rescue” your partner or nurture them through their depressive cycle.   This is the job of a health care professional
  • you can assist your partner reach out for professional assistance by making the first step as easy as possible – in your communication with them you could share that  “seeking help or talking to someone does not mean admitting defeat … it’s about taking a proactive step and making a positive change.”    This is a really positive way of helping your partner move forward.
  • Remember that for your partner to make the first phone call or attend the first counselling session will be their biggest obstacle to overcome.    
  • Take care of yourself.   While things are being sorted out with your partner’s mental health it is important you maintain your emotional resilience and strength.   Do whatever you need to do to refresh and re-energise yourself emotionally and physically.   This is vital if you are to maintain a “normal” life for yourself and your family while your partner recovers.


There are many more strategies I could share with you.   These should help point you in the right direction and bring some clarity for you in relation to how to effectively manage a depressed partner.   All of these strategies come from my own personal experience of supporting a partner with depression so I have a good understanding of what you may be experiencing in your relationship at this time.



 Is your relationship in trouble?

You can get all the support, guidance and strategies you need from an experienced relationship coach.   Coaching women supporting partner’s with depression is something I am totally committed to and passionate about.


Why don’t you contact me and have a chat about how personal coaching could restore harmony and balance to your relationship and prevent it from crumbling.   You can contact me on 07 3824 2009 or by email to christine@thetrailblazingwoman.com.au


 

Christine McRae
The Trail Blazing Woman
christine@thetrailblazingwoman.com.au
www.trailblazingwoman.com.au
©June 2011, TheTrail Blazing Woman

 

 

 

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Little Known Ways to Manage Depression in Relationships

By tr4ibl4 on March 29, 2011

“Relationship stress and depression is on the rise”! 

 Why is this?

There can be a number of reasons for this:

  • Financial stress 
  • Grief
  • Work related pressure
  •  Unemployment 
  • Genetics – a family history of depression
  • Low self-esteem
  • Relationship strain
  •  Unresolved anxieties


Right now recent national disasters would go to the top of this list!


Recent national disasters have naturally had an impact on us all even if we were not directly affected by them. To watch others suffer the grief, anguish and despair of losing loved ones and all that is valuable to them in their life is heart wrenching.


For those of you reading this newsletter who have not been directly affected, I would like you to put yourself in the situation of those personally affected. Would your partner deal with this grief and loss in the same way that you would?


Recently I read an article by Madonna King in the Courier Mail – A Water Torture To Last Forever. In this article Madonna talks about the discussions she has had with families directly affected by the natural disasters. In her reflection of these discussions she states that “you can’t help thinking that marriages will crumble too”.


Her main reason for making this statement was that each person responds differently to extreme events such as we have recently experienced e.g. I might have the reaction of just wanting to get rid of it all and start over again. My partner’s reaction would be quite different. My partner would want to preserve whatever he could and would painstakingly sift through everything looking for ways to restore or repair.


Committed relationships require quite a deal of navigation at the best of times. Imagine how current events will have multiplied this within relationships. Imagine how many more couples are dealing with high levels of anxiety and deep depression. This is not being dramatic! This is being realistic.


Organisations such as Lifelife and the Salvation Army are reporting that they simply can not cope with the number of calls for help that are coming into their counselling help lines. Desperate people looking for comfort, direction and solutions. Marriages looking for ways to “hold it together”.

 

What can be done to prevent these relationships crumbling?

Firstly I would like to talk to those of you who have been fortunate enough not to have been directly affected by the natural disasters. Here are some simple ways you could assist a couple going through this crisis:

 1. Give your greatest give – time.

  •  Time to listen to them share how they are feeling and how things are affecting their relationship
  • Listen for what is not being said that you believe could be important for them to recognise

2. Be understanding and sensitive

3. Encourage them to reach out for support and assistance for their relationships


For those of you who have experienced loss, grief and despair in recent times and who feel there is no hope for your relationship, I would love you to take a few moments out to reflect on the following:


How do you prevent your relationship from crumbling?


• Accept that any relationship that has experienced the levels of stress that your relationship has will naturally be feeling fragile. This is completely understandable.


• Step back or detach yourself from unhelpful thoughts and anxieties rather than allowing yourself to get tangled up with your thinking


• Remind yourself of what is valuable to you in your relationship


• Commit to reaching out for professional support to guide your relationship through these difficult time


 • Avoid communication that is characterised by:

a. Contempt

 b. Criticism

c. Defensiveness

d. Withdrawal


 • Practice cherishing behaviour

 

What every couple ought to know about Cherishing Behaviours:


Cherish can sound like an old fashioned word yet its meaning is very relevant right now to any relationship – it means to feel or show great love or care for somebody. It is that simple!


Here’s some practical tips on how to do this:


Recall some of the pleasing and delightful behaviours that drew you to each other during courtship or which were practiced during some happy times From the list below (or create your own), choose two or three cherishing behaviours you might be willing to practice:

  • Call me during the day and tell me something pleasant
  • Ask me how I spent my day and for a few minutes give me your undivided attention
  • Fix the coffee in the morning so we can have a few minutes to talk before starting the day
  • Sometimes turn off the lights and light a candle when we are having dinner
  • Find something humorous in your day to share with me
  • When you are out walking bring back a flower or a leaf or funny rock
  • For no special reason, hug me and say you love me
  • Tell the children (in front of me) what a good parent I am • Cuddle with me at night before we go to sleep.
  • Ask my opinion about some TV program or world news event
  • Occasionally call me sweetheart or honey or dear or some word special to us
  • Hold my hand when we walk down the street
  • When we sit together put your arm around me or touch me
  • Look at me and smile
  •  Put on one of my favourite records or CD’s and play it without asking
  • When you see me coming home, come to meet me

 

Grow in Love:


When a relationship is under stress or there is depression within the relationship, you can not expect to maintain the romantic intensity that was present during courtship. However we can continue to grow in love and consideration.


Remember a successful, happy marriage is made of many small things!


Is your relationship in trouble?


“You can get all the support, guidance and strategies you need from an experienced relationship coach”.


Why don’t you contact me and have a chat about how personal coaching could restore harmony and balance to your relationship and prevent it from crumbling. You can contact me on 07 3824 2009 or by email to christine@thetrailblazingwoman.com.au

©March 2011, TheTrail Blazing Woman

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