Anger in Relationships
I wonder how much energy you are using up in dealing with your partner’s anger. Heaps?!
My personal experience with this relationship issue tells me that you are using up a huge amount of energy. Also my experience as a relationship coach has shown me that anger in a relationship is a very common challenge and as I work with my clients it is very apparent the amount of energy that is lost in dealing with this ongoing issue.
I have some strategies to share with you that will give you this energy back. All of this energy you have been using up to deal with a negative emotion can now be released back into your life so you can live the life you really want to.
How good does that feel!
Imagine more energy
Spend a few moments imagining how you will feel when you know how to deal with your partner’s anger without draining your emotional reserves. I imagine you are already taking a few deep breaths and thinking what a huge difference this would make in your life.
Before we look at the strategies it is important that we understand the root cause of the anger.
Why does your partner flare up so easily with anger?
If you partner is having regular outbursts of anger you really need to put some time into dealing with this. Regular outbursts of anger are a warning sign that something is going on in your partner’s life that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. If anger is not dealt with appropriately it carries with it some unpleasant consequences.
Anger is usually a sign of deep seated frustration and I am sure you have probably already worked this out. However, how do you find out what is the cause of the frustration so you can deal with it?
Two major causes of anger are stress and depression.
1. Anger caused by stress could be coming from a number of obvious sources:
- Your partner’s work responsibilities and the unrealistic expectations placed on them
- Unemployment
- Financial concerns
- Family responsibilities that appear overwhelming
- Failure of a plan or project
and there would be many more that will come to your mind as you start to think about your personal situation.
If you cannot find the cause of your partner’s angry outbursts related to some of the causes listed above, then you may need to look a little deeper.
2. The hidden sleeper behind anger is depression
Depression is the hidden sleeper behind anger. Experiencing depression brings with it high levels of frustration because it is such a debilitating and often confusing illness.
Out of this frustration comes the angry outbursts and this is when the huge emotional energy drain starts to set in for you.
How do you know if your partner is depressed?
In the last newsletter we had a look at this. Let’s look again at the typical indicators of depression:
- Irritability
- sleep disturbance
- withdrawing from social activities
- over-working
- excessive drinking
- controlling behaviours
- violence or abuse – verbal or physical
- inappropriately getting angry
- indulging in risky behaviour such as reckless driving
- unhealthy sexual relations
All of these symptoms can be warning signs that your partner is in a cycle of depression.
Now that you have identified the possible cause of your partner’s angry outbursts it is time to look at strategies to assist you deal with this.
Let’s get your energy back!
Here are some strategies that should really help you:
1. Don’t allow yourself to get into an argument when your partner is having an angry outburst. You cannot deal with the anger while it is raging.
2. Set boundaries in place:
- Put your hand up to say stop. This use of body language is very effective. Just like a policeman stopping the traffic. Then you can literally say…
- “Stop, I am not prepared to communicate with you while you are angry and I am going to leave the room until you feel more settled”
- Then quietly leave the room.
- Ensure when you do this that you are doing this through your values e.g. respect, compassion, understanding
This is called boundary setting and gives your partner the signal that you are not prepared to be treated in this way.
3. Find the right time to have an open conversation with your partner about the impact their anger is having on you
4. Offer your support and understanding
5. Encourage them to seek professional help, particularly if depression is the root cause
Anger in a relationship can be very destructive.
If you are struggling with this and your energy is continually being drained out from the anger, then it is time for you to connect with a coach who specialises in this area.
Coaching women with this particular relationship challenge and women supporting partner’s with depression is something I am totally committed to and passionate about.
Why don’t you contact me and have a chat about how personal coaching could restore harmony and balance to your relationship and prevent it from crumbling. You can contact me on 07 3824 2009 or by email to christine@thetrailblazingwoman.com.au.
Christine McRae ,
The Trailblazing Woman
©October 2011, TheTrail Blazing Woman
