“Relationship stress and depression is on the rise”! 

 Why is this?

There can be a number of reasons for this:

• Financial stress 
• Grief
• Work related pressure
•  Unemployment 
• Genetics – a family history of depression
• Low self-esteem
• Relationship strain
•  Unresolved anxieties

Right now recent national disasters would go to the top of this list!

Recent national disasters have naturally had an impact on us all even if we were not directly affected by them. To watch others suffer the grief, anguish and despair of losing loved ones and all that is valuable to them in their life is heart wrenching.

For those of you reading this newsletter who have not been directly affected, I would like you to put yourself in the situation of those personally affected. Would your partner deal with this grief and loss in the same way that you would?

Recently I read an article by Madonna King in the Courier Mail – A Water Torture To Last Forever. In this article Madonna talks about the discussions she has had with families directly affected by the natural disasters. In her reflection of these discussions she states that “you can’t help thinking that marriages will crumble too”.

Her main reason for making this statement was that each person responds differently to extreme events such as we have recently experienced e.g. I might have the reaction of just wanting to get rid of it all and start over again. My partner’s reaction would be quite different. My partner would want to preserve whatever he could and would painstakingly sift through everything looking for ways to restore or repair.

Committed relationships require quite a deal of navigation at the best of times. Imagine how current events will have multiplied this within relationships. Imagine how many more couples are dealing with high levels of anxiety and deep depression. This is not being dramatic! This is being realistic.

Organisations such as Lifelife and the Salvation Army are reporting that they simply can not cope with the number of calls for help that are coming into their counselling help lines. Desperate people looking for comfort, direction and solutions. Marriages looking for ways to “hold it together”.

What can be done to prevent these relationships crumbling?

Firstly I would like to talk to those of you who have been fortunate enough not to have been directly affected by the natural disasters. Here are some simple ways you could assist a couple going through this crisis:

 1. Give your greatest give – time.

•  Time to listen to them share how they are feeling and how things are affecting their relationship
• Listen for what is not being said that you believe could be important for them to recognise

2. Be understanding and sensitive

3. Encourage them to reach out for support and assistance for their relationships

For those of you who have experienced loss, grief and despair in recent times and who feel there is no hope for your relationship, I would love you to take a few moments out to reflect on the following:

How do you prevent your relationship from crumbling?

• Accept that any relationship that has experienced the levels of stress that your relationship has will naturally be feeling fragile. This is completely understandable.

• Step back or detach yourself from unhelpful thoughts and anxieties rather than allowing yourself to get tangled up with your thinking

• Remind yourself of what is valuable to you in your relationship

• Commit to teaching out for professional support to guide your relationship through these difficult time 

 • Avoid communication that is characterised by:

a. Contempt

 b. Criticism

c. Defensiveness

d. Withdrawal 

 • Practice cherishing behaviour

What every couple ought to know about Cherishing Behaviours:

Cherish can sound like an old fashioned word yet its meaning is very relevant right now to any relationship – it means to feel or show great love or care for somebody. It is that simple!

Here’s some practical tips on how to do this:

Recall some of the pleasing and delightful behaviours that drew you to each other during courtship or which were practiced during some happy times From the list below (or create your own), choose two or three cherishing behaviours you might be willing to practice:

• Call me during the day and tell me something pleasant
• Ask me how I spent my day and for a few minutes give me your undivided attention
• Fix the coffee in the morning so we can have a few minutes to talk before starting the day
• Sometimes turn off the lights and light a candle when we are having dinner
• Find something humorous in your day to share with me
• When you are out walking bring back a flower or a leaf or funny rock
• For no special reason, hug me and say you love me
• Tell the children (in front of me) what a good parent I am • Cuddle with me at night before we go to sleep.
• Ask my opinion about some TV program or world news event
• Occasionally call me sweetheart or honey or dear or some word special to us
• Hold my hand when we walk down the street
• When we sit together put your arm around me or touch me
• Look at me and smile
•  Put on one of my favourite records or CD’s and play it without asking
• When you see me coming home, come to meet me

Grow in Love:

When a relationship is under stress or there is depression within the relationship, you can not expect to maintain the romantic intensity that was present during courtship. However we can continue to grow in love and consideration.

Remember a successful, happy marriage is made of many small things!

Is your relationship in trouble?

“You can get all the support, guidance and strategies you need from an experienced relationship coach”.

Why don’t you contact me and have a chat about how personal coaching could restore harmony and balance to your relationship and prevent it from crumbling. You can contact me on 07 3824 2009 or by email to christine@thetrailblazingwoman.com.au

©March 2011, TheTrail Blazing Woman