The Pain You Don’t Tell Your Best Friend About

I can hear you thinking to yourself – what pain would I not tell my best friend about?! 

It is the emotional pain a woman experiences when she is supporting a partner suffering with depression.  I have personally experienced this pain which is the pain of keeping silent on a sensitive, confidential relationship issue because of a sense of shame, embarrassment or failure. 

Why did I feel a sense of shame and embarrassment?

There is still a social stigma attached to depression.  When depression touches your relationship it often feels like you are living with a different person.   My partner was no longer the self assured, motivated, emotionally robust person he used to be. 

 I felt embarrassed and a failure because I could not find the answers within myself to heal the relationship.  Our relationship was disintegrating because of the depression.  How could I possibly explain that to my close family, friends and colleagues?  I thought they would  judge either myself or my partner as being “weak” or inadequate in some way.   

 Yes – very resilient, resourceful, confident, successful women can feel this measure of emotional pain and bury it deep.  

 Typically these women are feeling frustrated, emotionally exhausted and helpless because of their partner’s depression.  They also often wake up in the morning and say to themselves – “Oh no;  I just can’t go through this again” and they wonder if there is anyone who could possibly understand the pain they are experiencing.

 ….Stay with me …  because I am going to share with you shortly what strategies can be used to create a breakthrough on this particular emotional pain…..

 Why am I talking about this?  

 Here are some facts you may be interested in:

•  1 in 4 Australians will be affected by depression at some time in their life
• 6M working days are lost annually due to depression
• There is a website totally dedicated to lawyers with depression
• Many major corporations in Australia are embracing workplace programs for the prevention of and early intervention for depression.  

 These statistics translate into the reality that there are many women who currently are or who will be in the future supporting a partner affected by depression.   For these women it means a season of emotional pain.    I say this based on my own personal experience and from listening to many women as I mentor them through this difficult relationship issue.

 To paint a picture of what this can look and feel like, I will share some of my personal story with you:

The first twelve months of our married life seemed normal then the cold chill of my partner’s depression set in and changed our lives forever.  This followed a very traumatic event for both of us in which our lives were physically threatened by an intruder in our home.  This seemed to be the catalyst that opened the flood gates to depression for my partner.  I was totally unaware of the very painful and frustrating emotional journey that was before me. I had no understanding of how depression affected a person or how to live with a partner suffering from depression.

My world of pain – anxiety, frustration and heartache: This was a confronting and frightening situation for me.   I watched a strong, successful, confident man become anxious, depressed and unable to sleep.  My partner was unable to work and had lost a sense of direction in his life.   I became the breadwinner of the family for almost 2 years while my partner began to regain some equilibrium.    

 It was not long before I experienced my own season of anxiety and depression as the emotional resilience was drained from my life through my efforts to support my partner.

Loneliness and emotional exhaustion were my constant companions: I suffered in silence due to the social stigma associated with depression and in an effort to conserve my partner’s integrity.   I walked an extremely lonely road in this regard. 

I totally understand what it feels like to be so emotionally exhausted that you can not continue on.  The depression was tearing our relationship apart.  Thankfully I reached out and asked for professional help.   This was the most empowering and the wisest decision I had made in my life up to that point.

Thank heavens!!  My story does not have to be your story

 Through the care of a very gifted and insightful psychologist/coach I found the answers to break my cycle of emotional exhaustion and the impact my partner’s depression was having on my life and career.  Through our times of sharing together we created a “prescription” for me to use to heal the pain and exhaustion.   I would like to share that “prescription” with you so that you can avoid the very unnecessarily long journey I had before I found a place of personal freedom in the midst of my partner’s depressive cycles.

 Here is my “prescription” for healing this emotional pain:

1.  Recognise that you are not alone on this journey:  It takes a courageous and trusting heart to open up and begin to talk about living with a partner with depression.  Recognise that there are many women who are living in the same situation as you
2. Lose your sense of shame and embarrassment about the fact that your partner suffers with depression
3. Find a place of “safety”, that special friend or mentor, you can share with about the pain you have been experiencing and openly talk about the impact your partner’s depression is having on you and your family
4. Resist the instinct to rescue your partner and become their counsellor
5. Ensure your partner receives the appropriate medical care from a General Practitioner, Psychologist or Psychiatrist to assist them to manage their depression
6. Do not allow the depression to dictate how you will live your life and raise your family
7. Reclaim yourself.    Stop suppressing yourself and turning yourself inside out to be who your depressed partner wants you to be depending on their mood
8. Make time for yourself to do those things that refresh you, make you feel good, relax you and bring you encouragement
9. Remember to set appropriate boundaries in relation to how your partner communicates with you and behaves toward you.
10. Keep openly talking to your partner.   Do not go silent on them.  Keep openly talking to them and live as normal a life as possible.  This is a sure way for them to make a speedier recovery.

 If you have a family member, friend or colleague who is experiencing this particular relationship pain be the best friend you can be.  

Point them in the right direction and introduce them to my coaching and mentoring service specifically designed to build resilience into their life and relationship because I believe they deserve to have the specialised support that can change their life permanently.

 For more details on this “prescription” for resilience you can visit my website www.trailblazingwoman.com.au

 Christine McRae, The Trail Blazing Woman

Personal Coach and Mentor for Women

©May 2010, The Trail Blazing Woman